ÿþ02:29:40:21 02:29:42:08 Hello.
02:29:42:10 02:29:47:15 -Hello, and welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
-Hello.
02:29:49:01 02:29:52:04 Ladies and gentlemen,
because Hugh and I are known for our anger,
02:29:52:07 02:29:58:10 our satirical rage at the human condition,
for want of a better cliché,
02:29:58:13 02:30:02:12 er, we often get accused
of lacking a sense of proportion.
02:30:02:14 02:30:06:13 Here's a letter that we received
that I'd like to read out to you, if I may.
02:30:06:15 02:30:09:08 ''Dear Fry and Laurie,
02:30:09:10 02:30:14:02 ''It's very easy to knock,
to rage, to snarl and to satirise.
02:30:14:05 02:30:17:16 ''It's oh so simple, for instance,
to knock Mrs Thatcher, isn't it?
02:30:17:19 02:30:21:14 ''But what are you suggesting should
go in the place of the institutions and people
02:30:21:17 02:30:23:19 ''you so viciously decry?''
02:30:23:22 02:30:26:03 Well, of course, he's absolutely right.
02:30:26:06 02:30:28:18 It is ludicrously easy to knock Mrs Thatcher,
isn't it?
02:30:28:21 02:30:33:07 It's the simplest, easiest
and most obvious thing in the world
02:30:33:10 02:30:38:19 to remark that she's a shameful, putrid scab,
an embarrassing, ludicrous monstrosity,
02:30:38:25 02:30:41:04 who makes one frankly ashamed to be British,
02:30:41:07 02:30:44:10 and that her ideas and standards are a stain
on our national history.
02:30:44:12 02:30:46:07 That's easy. Anyone can see that.
02:30:46:18 02:30:50:11 Nothing difficult about that. But after tonight,
02:30:50:14 02:30:55:21 no one can ever accuse us again of failing
to come up with something to take her place.
02:30:55:24 02:30:57:01 Hugh.
02:31:05:19 02:31:10:24 So that's...that's our constructive suggestion,
and I hope that's silenced some of our critics.
02:31:11:02 02:31:14:16 Now, anyway, on with the blind, unreasoning rage.
02:31:14:19 02:31:20:01 Yes, well, exactly. Here we go.
I've written a savage, savage, angry song
02:31:20:04 02:31:23:18 about jars that get separated from their lids.
02:31:25:06 02:31:29:03 Um...I'm not really sure, Hugh,
that that sort of qualifies as satire.
02:31:29:05 02:31:32:16 Well, you wait till you've heard it.
There's plenty of anger in there, I can tell you.
02:31:32:19 02:31:33:18 All right.
02:31:33:21 02:31:35:18 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
02:31:39:22 02:31:41:24 # Where is the lid?
02:31:43:11 02:31:45:10 # Where is the lid?
02:31:46:16 02:31:49:18 # Where is the, where is the
02:31:50:06 02:31:53:06 # Where is the, where is the lid?
02:31:54:03 02:31:55:23 # Where is the lid?
02:31:57:04 02:31:59:11 # Where is the lid?
02:32:00:07 02:32:02:02 # Where is the, where is the
02:32:02:05 02:32:06:02 # Where is the, where is the, where is the,
where is the lid?
02:32:06:04 02:32:08:05 Um, it's here, Hugh.
02:32:08:08 02:32:10:01 # Does anyone know?
02:32:10:04 02:32:11:20 Yes, I do.
02:32:11:22 02:32:13:09 # Does anyone know?
02:32:13:12 02:32:14:24 I think everybody knows now.
02:32:15:02 02:32:16:12 # Does anyone know
02:32:16:14 02:32:17:13 Hugh?
02:32:17:16 02:32:18:18 # Where is the lid?
02:32:18:21 02:32:21:10 The lid is right here. It was behind the sofa, really.
02:32:22:05 02:32:23:24 # Where is the lid?
02:32:24:13 02:32:25:17 Hugh!
02:32:25:20 02:32:27:01 # Where is the lid?
02:32:27:04 02:32:28:12 I'm putting the lid onto the jar.
02:32:28:15 02:32:30:02 # Where is the
02:32:30:04 02:32:31:20 # Where is the, where is the, where is the
02:32:31:22 02:32:33:03 It's on the... Hugh!
02:32:33:06 02:32:34:22 # Where is the lid?
02:32:34:25 02:32:35:24 # Oh, where?
02:32:36:02 02:32:37:06 Hugh, there...
02:32:37:09 02:32:40:04 # Oh, where... #
02:32:49:12 02:32:53:17 We are devoting the rest of tonight's programme
to a tribute
02:32:53:20 02:32:58:15 to the writer, comedian and light-sketch actor,
02:32:58:18 02:33:01:15 Hugh ''Excellent sermon, Vicar'' Laurie,
02:33:02:18 02:33:05:17 who died suddenly today after a merciful accident
02:33:05:19 02:33:08:24 that released him
from years of painful mental illness.
02:33:10:15 02:33:15:16 Hugh Laurie, whose real name was Hugh Laurie,
was better known by his stage name,
02:33:16:01 02:33:17:09 Hugh Laurie.
02:33:18:16 02:33:22:11 Hugh was born and brought up
in a working-class home
02:33:22:14 02:33:27:09 that his parents had specially built
in the grounds of their Gloucestershire estate.
02:33:31:15 02:33:37:20 Like many shy children, Hugh learned
from a very early age simply to blend in.
02:33:38:09 02:33:42:10 There's a picture of Hugh
in High Wycombe in 1 964.
02:33:43:03 02:33:46:14 Hugh's first acting job came in 1 979
02:33:46:17 02:33:50:18 at the Hereford Civic Centre, since renamed,
in Hugh's honour,
02:33:50:21 02:33:53:07 the Hereford Civic and Amenities Centre.
02:33:54:15 02:33:59:22 He brought a certain quality
to all the roles he played.
02:34:00:23 02:34:04:16 And it was really a quality of...
02:34:05:23 02:34:08:16 a quality of needing
02:34:08:19 02:34:11:20 the money, really.
02:34:12:24 02:34:17:08 He was an immensely dangerous man.
A very dangerous actor.
02:34:17:10 02:34:21:03 You know, whenever he was around
there was always this feeling of ''ooh''.
02:34:21:06 02:34:22:24 Anything could happen.
02:34:24:20 02:34:28:04 Hugh Laurie, on the other hand,
was one of the dullest men I've ever met.
02:34:28:22 02:34:33:17 So, Stephen Fry, um, you probably knew
Hugh Laurie better than he knew himself.
02:34:33:20 02:34:36:03 What's your fondest memory
of working with him?
02:34:36:14 02:34:40:08 The moment I knew he was really dead
would be very hard to beat.
02:34:42:21 02:34:47:03 So, anyway, on with A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
02:34:47:09 02:34:51:14 -Deceased.
-Sorry, A Bit of Fry and Laurie (Deceased).
02:34:53:02 02:34:56:24 Good morning, I hope you can help me.
I've tried everywhere.
02:34:57:02 02:35:01:05 Do you have a copy of Fly Fishing by JR Hartley?
02:35:04:02 02:35:05:20 I knew it, I knew it.
02:35:05:22 02:35:07:18 -Didn't I say to you this morning?
-Yeah.
02:35:07:21 02:35:10:02 Yesterday, we had a shop full of them.
02:35:10:19 02:35:13:04 -Crates full.
-Yeah, we were up to here with Fly Fishing.
02:35:13:07 02:35:14:11 -Yeah.
-Yeah, but now...
02:35:14:15 02:35:15:19 Voom!
02:35:15:22 02:35:18:17 That shows the power of advertising, I suppose.
02:35:18:19 02:35:20:14 -Yeah, yeah.
-I suppose it does, I suppose it does.
02:35:20:17 02:35:24:12 I'll tell you what we have got, though.
We've got 30,000 copies of the Yellow Pages.
02:35:25:12 02:35:29:23 -Can't shift 'em.
-Yellow Pages? Oh, can I order one?
02:35:31:19 02:35:35:10 -Well, we've got them here.
-Yes, but I have to order it, you see.
02:35:35:17 02:35:40:00 -Well, yeah, you can order one, if you like, yeah.
-Ah, splendid. May I use your phone?
02:35:40:10 02:35:43:14 -What?
-I have to order it over the phone, you see.
02:35:44:04 02:35:45:14 Help yourself.
02:35:47:13 02:35:48:14 Hello?
02:35:52:03 02:35:53:07 Hello.
02:35:54:10 02:35:56:09 -Good morning.
-Good morning.
02:35:57:17 02:36:01:07 Do you have a copy of Yellow Pages?
02:36:02:10 02:36:05:09 -Yes.
-You do? Splendid.
02:36:05:21 02:36:07:04 My name?
02:36:07:12 02:36:09:10 -I didn't ask him his name, did you?
-No.
02:36:10:12 02:36:14:01 Yes, it's Pages. LO Pages.
02:36:14:20 02:36:17:15 FRY: Good old LO Pages.
02:36:18:20 02:36:21:13 Rupert Murdoch would sell his own mother
for 50 quid.
02:36:22:11 02:36:25:10 I offered him 40 but he said,
''No, 50. Take it or leave it.''
02:36:26:14 02:36:29:17 So in a sense, in a sense, in a sense, Duncan,
02:36:29:20 02:36:32:07 we are left with those two. Er, two.
02:36:32:10 02:36:34:22 None other, nary another, not one other more.
02:36:34:25 02:36:39:24 Er, we have on the one side of the gulf,
the chasm, the dividing line, if you please,
02:36:40:02 02:36:42:08 we have the beauty of ideas,
02:36:42:11 02:36:46:16 and on the other, I don't know,
the other term of the equation, if that's nicer,
02:36:46:18 02:36:51:23 we have the idea of beauty.
Am I sensing through? Am I connecting?
02:36:52:15 02:36:57:03 We're busy discussing the idea of beauty,
and the beauty of ideas.
02:36:57:06 02:37:00:10 Hold the thought, Geoffrey, would you?
I'm going to give you a thought.
02:37:00:13 02:37:03:14 I'd like you to hold it for me.
Would you do that for me, please?
02:37:04:05 02:37:05:21 I'm going to hold a thought now.
02:37:06:23 02:37:12:07 If beauty is only an idea, a form,
a pattern, a template, a paradigm, an ideal,
02:37:12:10 02:37:15:01 an idea, if you like, with an ''L'',
02:37:15:03 02:37:17:03 then what is the beautiful?
02:37:17:06 02:37:20:19 Beauty is unattainable,
but the beautiful surrounds us.
02:37:20:22 02:37:24:06 Er, we return to language, Philip.
We make a return to language.
02:37:24:09 02:37:28:12 That's the idea I'd like you to hold for me,
if you'd be ever so splendid.
02:37:28:14 02:37:31:18 All right, well, we've made a return to language.
02:37:31:25 02:37:33:24 Listen to me. Listen to me, lovelet.
02:37:34:02 02:37:37:14 Language circumscribes beauty.
02:37:37:17 02:37:42:03 Confirms, confines, limbs and delineates.
It colours and contains.
02:37:42:06 02:37:43:22 Yet language is only a tool,
02:37:43:24 02:37:47:14 a tool that we use to dig up
the beauty that surrounds us,
02:37:47:17 02:37:50:00 and is, we take, our only and absolute real.
02:37:50:19 02:37:52:08 I'm in trouble now.
02:37:53:08 02:37:54:09 Hush, tish, vibble.
02:37:54:12 02:37:58:05 I'm speaking ahead.
Let me explain, expound, expand and exposit.
02:37:58:08 02:38:02:19 -Would you?
-I find you beautiful, but you are not beauty.
02:38:05:24 02:38:07:02 Whoops.
02:38:08:07 02:38:10:17 Therefore, you contain a property of beauty.
02:38:10:20 02:38:14:14 Therefore, the substance of which
you exhibit a property must exist. Where is it?
02:38:18:08 02:38:20:07 That is language's task.
02:38:20:24 02:38:22:09 Who was it who said
02:38:22:11 02:38:26:08 ''my language is the universal whore
that I must make into a virgin''?
02:38:26:10 02:38:27:16 Who was it?
02:38:28:06 02:38:29:10 Kate Adie?
02:38:31:01 02:38:33:15 I think... I think it was Karl Kraus.
02:38:33:18 02:38:36:15 But it needn't have been. It needn't have been.
Now, tell me, tell me.
02:38:36:17 02:38:40:20 It's time to ask you to give back to me
the thought that I bade you hold.
02:38:40:23 02:38:44:18 Um, I was holding the thought
that we've made a return to language.
02:38:44:21 02:38:48:01 Correctly correctington. Language pursues beauty,
02:38:48:04 02:38:52:01 harries it, hounds it,
courses it across the rough lands of enquiry,
02:38:52:03 02:38:55:16 and in so doing, can itself be beautiful.
02:38:55:19 02:38:57:18 Ripple on ripple, image on image.
02:38:57:21 02:39:02:05 Wheel within a wheel like the circles
that we find in the windmills of our mind.
02:39:02:08 02:39:06:01 -Noel Harrison.
-Noel, as you so rightly, Harrison.
02:39:06:04 02:39:07:22 Now, language can be beautiful.
02:39:07:24 02:39:10:13 ''And Madeline asleep in lap of legends old'',
02:39:10:15 02:39:15:18 plenitude, dishes, martita, breasts,
tumble, emolument, forage,
02:39:15:20 02:39:18:01 smitten, plenum, vulva.
02:39:18:04 02:39:21:05 Words that have their own sonority and beauty,
02:39:21:08 02:39:26:03 which is extrinsic, extrinsic to their connotation
or denotational referends.
02:39:27:08 02:39:29:16 I think he said vulva.
02:39:30:07 02:39:34:23 So, Timothy, I'll leave you
with a thought, a breath,
02:39:35:01 02:39:37:25 the fruit, the drops
from the bowels of my imaginings.
02:39:38:02 02:39:40:09 Think beauty but be beautiful.
02:39:40:12 02:39:44:22 Say beauty, but say it beautifully.
Beauty is duty and duty, beauty. So there.
02:39:44:25 02:39:47:12 Good night, I don't feel quite so well now.
02:39:54:05 02:39:56:04 I don't think they ever will invent a time machine,
02:39:56:07 02:40:00:14 because if they had done so in the future,
they would've got in it straightaway
02:40:00:17 02:40:03:12 and come back and made sure
that Esther Rantzen had never been born.
02:40:03:14 02:40:05:22 But she has been,
so they can't have done, can they?
02:40:05:25 02:40:07:16 LAURIE: Anarchy!
FRY: Anarchy!
02:40:07:19 02:40:09:16 -Anarchy!
-Anarchy!
02:40:09:19 02:40:12:20 -We believe in anarchy!
-We believe in anarchy!
02:40:12:23 02:40:15:18 -God is dead!
-God is dead!
02:40:15:21 02:40:19:06 -We don't believe in God!
-We don't believe in God!
02:40:19:09 02:40:22:19 -Long live the god of anarchy!
-Long live the god of anarchy!
02:40:22:22 02:40:26:05 -Who we don't believe in.
-No.
02:40:26:23 02:40:29:08 In fact, we don't believe in anarchy!
02:40:29:11 02:40:31:20 -Down with anarchy!
-Down with anarchy!
02:40:31:23 02:40:34:07 We don't believe in anarchy!
02:40:34:10 02:40:38:17 -So we're sorry to have bothered you.
-Sorry to have bothered you.
02:40:38:20 02:40:40:22 -Bye.
-Bye.
02:40:45:16 02:40:49:15 PETER: Damn it, John, it's biological leakage.
What can I tell you?
02:40:52:13 02:40:55:24 Biological leakage?
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
02:40:56:02 02:40:59:20 It means that our UK customer base
is being eroded.
02:41:00:18 02:41:04:04 Peter, I'm not blaming you,
but you've got to look at it my way.
02:41:04:07 02:41:07:04 In 90 minutes, I've got to go
before the Archbishop
02:41:07:07 02:41:10:06 with a presentation on targets
for expanding our user base,
02:41:10:09 02:41:13:04 -and you're giving me a set of figures...
-Ballpark.
02:41:13:06 02:41:14:16 Ballpark, no matter.
02:41:14:19 02:41:19:02 The Archbishop is gonna want to know
how project Christcom is panning out.
02:41:19:18 02:41:22:17 You are not giving me the real numbers I need.
02:41:22:20 02:41:26:23 John, give me 24 hours,
maybe I can cook something up,
02:41:26:25 02:41:32:11 -a pie chart...
-24 hours and a pie chart in a dog's arse, Peter.
02:41:32:14 02:41:36:15 Peter, remind me what the hell it says
above your parking space.
02:41:37:03 02:41:39:19 -John, I don't understand...
-Answer me, damn it.
02:41:40:09 02:41:43:20 -''Maximum height two metres.''
-Next to that.
02:41:45:09 02:41:50:12 ''Space reserved for Peter Sherman,
Executive Vice Bishop of Uttoxeter.''
02:41:51:03 02:41:53:11 Thank you. Thank you, Peter.
02:41:53:14 02:41:57:04 Because when I asked you to join me as my EVB,
02:41:57:07 02:42:01:00 I didn't want just a set of pie charts,
I wanted results.
02:42:01:21 02:42:05:15 Okay, John, maybe it's time
for some straight talking.
02:42:05:18 02:42:08:20 No, no, no, no, Peter.
Yesterday was time for straight talking.
02:42:08:23 02:42:11:18 Today is time for plain speaking.
02:42:11:20 02:42:16:02 Well, John, just give me the ball for a second.
Let me run with it, will you?
02:42:16:04 02:42:20:09 Okay, Peter, I guess you've earned it.
The field is yours, you're clear to the touchline, go.
02:42:20:11 02:42:24:03 Okay, John. As I see it,
you and I were given a brief
02:42:24:18 02:42:29:07 to set out the concept
of front-end accessibility with volume targeting.
02:42:29:10 02:42:32:20 Tell me something I don't know, Peter.
02:42:33:19 02:42:36:05 My geography teacher's middle name was Louis.
02:42:37:06 02:42:38:14 Carry on.
02:42:38:17 02:42:41:23 Now, at no stage...
You can pick me up on this if I'm out of line.
02:42:42:01 02:42:45:20 At no stage did God ever specify
the exact corporate structure
02:42:45:23 02:42:49:07 within which we were to carry out
this brief or remit.
02:42:49:10 02:42:52:21 -When did you last speak with God?
-Last night, John.
02:42:52:25 02:42:54:00 With a bit of luck...
02:42:54:03 02:42:55:02 (FAX MACHINE WHIRRING)
02:42:55:07 02:42:57:10 Wait a minute, it's a fax now.
02:42:58:24 02:43:01:11 Yep, John, it's from God, all right. Listen to this.
02:43:02:16 02:43:05:02 ''Re: your prayer of last night,
02:43:06:03 02:43:08:12 ''unable to anything about Anneka Rice.''
02:43:09:17 02:43:13:11 Ah, but... ''Suggest you proceed as planned
02:43:13:14 02:43:15:24 ''regarding merger with Rome Corp.''
02:43:16:02 02:43:19:17 Merger with Rome Corp?
I haven't heard anything about this.
02:43:19:20 02:43:22:15 It's an idea that the Archbishop's been nursing.
02:43:22:18 02:43:26:19 But merger? You don't merge
with a multinational like Rome Corp.
02:43:26:22 02:43:31:12 You get taken over. You get eaten whole
for breakfast and crapped out before lunch.
02:43:31:15 02:43:35:22 Tell me, Peter, maybe it's time to start thinking
management buyout.
02:43:35:24 02:43:38:23 That's it, John. That's exactly what I'm saying.
02:43:38:25 02:43:43:07 Between us, you and me can put together the kind
of package that could cut out Lambeth altogether.
02:43:43:09 02:43:46:12 -Deal direct with Rome, you mean?
-Why the hell not?
02:43:47:09 02:43:49:10 I like it. I like it a lot, Peter.
02:43:49:13 02:43:52:14 But maybe...
maybe you've reckoned without one thing.
02:43:52:24 02:43:57:08 Well, John, I don't claim to be infallible.
If I've missed a trick...
02:43:57:21 02:43:59:01 Marjorie.
02:44:00:25 02:44:04:14 Marjorie? How the hell does Marjorie fit into this?
02:44:04:17 02:44:06:08 Lengthways, Peter.
02:44:06:10 02:44:11:07 Marjorie has got the United Episcopal Church
eating out of her goddamn portfolio.
02:44:11:20 02:44:15:09 Damn it, John.
To think that you loved that woman once.
02:44:15:12 02:44:16:16 I know.
02:44:16:19 02:44:21:16 But Peter, I guess maybe love and hate
are just the same sides of a different coin.
02:44:22:06 02:44:25:14 A coin that I spent years ago.
02:44:27:24 02:44:31:04 -Did that make any sense, John?
-No.
02:44:31:06 02:44:34:23 -But does it matter?
-Oh, yes, yes, it matters like hell, John.
02:44:35:01 02:44:37:09 Because listen to me. If we keep our heads,
02:44:37:12 02:44:40:05 if we stick together on this one,
you know, we can beat Marjorie.
02:44:40:08 02:44:42:24 -Maybe. Maybe you're right.
-But this time, John,
02:44:43:02 02:44:45:03 -we do it by the book.
-Check.
02:44:47:07 02:44:48:19 Let us pray.
02:44:51:18 02:44:54:05 Oh, Lord, you've seen the figures.
02:44:55:09 02:44:59:08 Show us a way to streamline
some kind of management structure
02:44:59:10 02:45:04:17 which will enable 4-5% growth
during the next financial twelvemonth.
02:45:04:20 02:45:06:03 -Amen.
-Amen.
02:45:06:05 02:45:08:05 -No, John. John.
-Oh, yeah.
02:45:08:19 02:45:10:12 Oh, and Lord,
02:45:11:05 02:45:16:02 show us some way that we can beat
seven types of corporate crap out of Marjorie.
02:45:16:05 02:45:18:10 BOTH: Damn!
02:45:21:06 02:45:24:22 There are some very exciting chardonnays
coming out of New Zealand at the moment.
02:45:33:19 02:45:35:02 That is delicious.
02:45:40:15 02:45:43:18 First one was dog, the second one was cat.
02:45:44:01 02:45:46:06 No? Oh, both cat?
02:45:52:21 02:45:54:02 Mm-hm.
02:46:00:08 02:46:03:11 Ah, no, it's a trick. They're both red.
02:46:04:07 02:46:06:06 Yeah? Let's have a look.
02:46:09:20 02:46:10:21 Oh.
02:46:12:02 02:46:15:17 That's... Oh, that's very good. That's very good.
02:46:15:20 02:46:17:17 That's quite funny. Um...
02:46:18:04 02:46:21:06 You won't show this, will you?
'Cause I'm a wine merchant,
02:46:21:09 02:46:23:13 and I'll get terrible stick at work.
02:46:25:20 02:46:28:09 My first kiss.
02:46:28:12 02:46:31:22 I suppose everyone can remember their first kiss.
Nothing quite lives up to it, does it?
02:46:31:25 02:46:35:12 Um, I was, I think, 1 1 years old,
02:46:35:15 02:46:39:14 and my great-uncle had come to stay
for a few weeks
02:46:41:05 02:46:42:23 while on parole.
02:46:44:05 02:46:48:02 And we used... We used to play this game,
where I would sit on his lap
02:46:48:04 02:46:50:22 and he would pretend to be a train.
02:46:50:24 02:46:53:05 Hugh, Hugh, what are you saying?
02:46:54:08 02:46:57:03 Well, I was just telling the ladies and gentlemen
about my first kiss.
02:46:57:05 02:46:58:21 Yes, but Hugh, this is a delicate area,
02:46:58:23 02:47:01:01 -I really don't think...
-No, no, it's all right, don't worry.
02:47:01:04 02:47:03:12 -You sure?
-Yeah, it's fine, honestly.
02:47:03:15 02:47:04:15 All right.
02:47:06:04 02:47:10:05 So my surprise at suddenly feeling a tongue...
02:47:10:17 02:47:13:00 Hugh, Hugh, Hugh.
02:47:14:08 02:47:19:05 There are valid arenas and there are valid arenas,
and this is not one of them.
02:47:19:11 02:47:21:12 No, no, I want this experience to be understood.
02:47:21:15 02:47:24:14 You know, because it may help others
to know that they're not the only ones
02:47:24:16 02:47:27:13 -to have felt that wet...
-Hugh, Hugh.
02:47:27:15 02:47:29:24 Hugh, this is a whole can of worms
you're opening here,
02:47:30:02 02:47:32:03 and believe me, if there is one taboo left,
02:47:32:06 02:47:35:08 one unmentionable subject
not fit for comic treatment,
02:47:35:11 02:47:37:06 then you've just mentioned it.
02:47:37:09 02:47:40:00 Well, but surely there's...
I mean, there's nothing so odd about it, is there?
02:47:40:03 02:47:43:23 I mean, there I was,
sitting on my great-uncle's lap and in came Lucy.
02:47:45:12 02:47:47:05 -Lucy?
-Yes, Lucy.
02:47:47:23 02:47:49:12 And how old was Lucy?
02:47:50:25 02:47:53:14 Well, the same age as me, I think.
No, 1 2. She was 1 2.
02:47:53:16 02:47:54:24 And I kissed her.
02:47:55:01 02:47:56:09 -You kissed her?
-Yes.
02:47:56:23 02:47:58:16 You've done this deliberately, haven't you?
02:47:59:06 02:48:01:16 -Done what?
-You've set it up to make it look as if...
02:48:01:19 02:48:04:16 -As if what?
-Oh, never mind, just get on with it.
02:48:05:25 02:48:08:07 All right, so I kissed Lucy,
02:48:08:10 02:48:11:21 and was very surprised to feel her tongue pop out.
02:48:13:03 02:48:15:17 It was my first real snog,
02:48:16:01 02:48:18:09 and I loved it. I fell in love instantly.
02:48:18:12 02:48:20:23 Um, sadly, the very next year,
02:48:21:01 02:48:24:06 Lucy developed distemper
and had to be put down.
02:48:27:06 02:48:28:16 Toch!
02:48:30:06 02:48:32:05 (RAMBLING IN FRENCH)
02:48:41:04 02:48:43:01 At least, I think that's what he said.
02:48:44:13 02:48:48:07 I bumped into this old school friend the other day.
02:48:48:20 02:48:51:23 He was on a Yamaha 750. It was a terrible mess.
02:48:53:24 02:48:56:19 Well, you'd think...
Oh, Christ, I've left the iron on.
02:49:05:06 02:49:09:07 Good evening and welcome to
Trying To Borrow A Fiver Off.
02:49:10:17 02:49:14:10 Tonight, I shall be trying to borrow a fiver off
02:49:14:13 02:49:17:04 the conductor of the
Newbury Philharmonic Orchestra,
02:49:17:06 02:49:21:11 -Neville Anderson. Good evening, Neville.
-Oh, for goodness sake, call me Neville.
02:49:22:07 02:49:25:02 Well, if you insist. Uh, now, Neville, uh,
02:49:25:05 02:49:27:25 could I possibly borrow a fiver off you
till Wednesday?
02:49:28:02 02:49:32:01 Uh, let's see. Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
I've got nothing smaller than a 20.
02:49:32:13 02:49:33:18 Bye-bye.
02:49:40:25 02:49:42:10 Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
02:49:44:03 02:49:45:15 Hello, Control.
02:49:46:02 02:49:48:01 Oh, Tony, it's you.
02:49:48:04 02:49:52:19 Yes, I understand from Valerie
that you wanted reasonably strongly to see me.
02:49:53:06 02:49:57:11 Well, Valerie was by no means
leading you astray, Tony,
02:49:57:14 02:49:59:22 because I do want to see you.
02:50:00:17 02:50:03:18 I find that Valerie is usually right
in these little matters.
02:50:03:25 02:50:05:06 That's true.
02:50:07:23 02:50:09:08 Control,
02:50:09:22 02:50:14:14 did you, I wonder, want to talk to me as well,
or was it just seeing me that was on your mind?
02:50:16:02 02:50:19:09 No, Tony, there was something
I wanted to ask you,
02:50:19:12 02:50:21:13 but it's a bit tricky.
02:50:21:24 02:50:23:24 -Tricky?
-Yes. Tricky.
02:50:25:02 02:50:26:20 Have you, Tony, I wonder,
02:50:26:24 02:50:29:10 ever been in the position where you've had
02:50:29:19 02:50:32:24 to say to someone that you like rather a lot
02:50:33:14 02:50:36:07 that you're going to have to fire them
from their job?
02:50:38:10 02:50:39:12 No.
02:50:40:05 02:50:41:04 Ah.
02:50:41:19 02:50:45:02 There. That didn't turn out to be too tricky
a thing to ask me, did it?
02:50:46:03 02:50:49:19 No. But the thing is I haven't quite got
to the tricky part, Tony.
02:50:49:22 02:50:53:23 Ah. Would it be the kind of thing that would go
better with a good cup of coffee, Control?
02:50:53:25 02:50:55:12 Well, that's very kind of you, Tony,
02:50:55:14 02:50:58:24 but I wouldn't want to be thought of
as hiding behind that cup of coffee.
02:50:59:15 02:51:01:12 Well, that's just as well, Control,
02:51:01:15 02:51:04:08 because the cup of coffee I had in mind
was going to be quite small.
02:51:06:13 02:51:09:06 Yes. Tony, have you, I wonder, in your position
02:51:09:09 02:51:14:01 as Subsection Chief of the East Germany
and Related Satellites desk,
02:51:14:05 02:51:18:17 noticed the way the wind has been blowing
behind the Iron Curtain of late?
02:51:19:08 02:51:22:03 It's been blowing in odd kinds of ways,
hasn't it, Control?
02:51:22:05 02:51:23:19 Yes, Tony, it has.
02:51:23:21 02:51:27:07 Glasnost, perestroika and related phenomena
02:51:27:10 02:51:31:13 have had their effect on the political map
of Europe in no uncertain terms.
02:51:31:15 02:51:32:14 Yes.
02:51:32:17 02:51:35:20 Only this morning I had to ask Valerie
if she wouldn't mind popping out
02:51:35:22 02:51:38:05 and buying us some new political maps of Europe.
02:51:38:08 02:51:40:09 'Cause ours are really quite out of date.
02:51:40:17 02:51:43:08 Yes. It's shaken up all our lives, it's true.
02:51:43:11 02:51:45:00 Yes, Control, it has.
02:51:45:23 02:51:47:22 And it also means, Tony,
02:51:47:25 02:51:51:04 that our masters in Whitehall
have started to wonder
02:51:51:07 02:51:54:16 whether they need quite so many people
involved in spying.
02:51:55:18 02:51:58:00 I'm not sure I fully understand, Control.
02:51:58:04 02:52:00:13 Well, Tony, they take the view
02:52:00:16 02:52:05:00 that what with the Russians ringing us up
every day and simply telling us all their secrets,
02:52:05:03 02:52:09:08 we don't need to spend quite so much money
on finding them out.
02:52:09:10 02:52:13:20 That's an astute piece of political thinking
by our masters in Whitehall, isn't it, Control?
02:52:13:23 02:52:15:12 Yes, Tony, it is.
02:52:15:14 02:52:19:21 -How about that coffee now?
-No, Tony. Not quite yet, thank you.
02:52:20:05 02:52:24:04 What this has all been leading up to,
if you haven't already guessed, Tony,
02:52:24:06 02:52:27:18 is that I'm going to have to
fire you from your job.
02:52:32:02 02:52:35:14 Control, I'm slightly at a loss for words.
02:52:36:06 02:52:39:17 Believe me when I tell you, Tony,
that this isn't easy for me at all.
02:52:40:01 02:52:42:21 In fact, it's one of the hardest things
I've ever had to do
02:52:42:23 02:52:45:08 in all my years as Head of the Secret Service.
02:52:45:23 02:52:48:18 I certainly don't envy you
having to pass on a bit of news
02:52:48:21 02:52:50:22 like the one you've just passed on to me.
02:52:51:08 02:52:53:15 That's very understanding of you, Tony.
02:52:54:01 02:52:56:23 Well, Control, I suppose that's that, then.
02:52:57:01 02:52:59:00 Yes, Tony, it is.
02:52:59:07 02:53:03:21 Well, Control, may I take this opportunity
of saying how much I've enjoyed working for you,
02:53:03:24 02:53:07:00 and wish you the best of luck
in all your future spying?
02:53:07:03 02:53:12:06 Thank you, Tony. And I can tell you that this place
just won't be the same without you.
02:53:12:13 02:53:15:06 No, I suppose it'll be quite different,
won't it, Control?
02:53:15:08 02:53:17:03 Because I won't be here.
02:53:17:24 02:53:19:01 Yes.
02:53:19:14 02:53:22:11 -I'll be somewhere else.
-That's right.
02:53:24:02 02:53:26:10 Well, goodbye, Control.
02:53:26:25 02:53:28:20 Goodbye, Tony Murchison.
02:53:43:02 02:53:44:07 Valerie,
02:53:44:25 02:53:48:13 I wonder if you wouldn't mind popping in
with a cup of coffee for me?
02:53:50:11 02:53:51:23 How do I like it?
02:53:52:13 02:53:55:16 I like it the way Tony Murchison used to make it.
02:54:08:20 02:54:13:02 Good evening and welcome
to Introducing My Grandfather To.
02:54:14:05 02:54:17:02 Tonight, I shall be introducing my grandfather
02:54:17:05 02:54:21:04 to the pornographer and steeplechase jockey,
Benton Asher.
02:54:21:06 02:54:22:24 -Good evening, Benton.
-Good evening.
02:54:23:01 02:54:26:25 And now, may I introduce you to my grandfather?
Grandfather, this is Benton Asher.
02:54:27:07 02:54:28:21 -How do you do?
-Yes.
02:54:30:13 02:54:31:15 Good night.
02:54:37:04 02:54:40:04 Ladies and gentlemen, bear with me.
Bear with me, please, just for a moment.
02:54:40:07 02:54:42:13 Don't stop bearing with me.
02:54:43:05 02:54:47:14 I have a vision, ladies and gentlemen,
I have a vision of Britain.
02:54:47:25 02:54:52:13 I see a country... I see a country peopled,
a country peopled with people.
02:54:53:11 02:54:58:10 People who people it with charm, with grace,
yes, even with greatness.
02:54:58:22 02:55:00:09 And as they people it,
02:55:00:18 02:55:05:04 they enhance it with amusing voices
and their unusual children.
02:55:06:10 02:55:09:14 And I see many towns and many villages.
02:55:09:21 02:55:13:09 And I see family-amusement,
heritage-theme fun parks,
02:55:13:14 02:55:15:18 which will smell of urine and vomit.
02:55:17:14 02:55:21:21 And I see 1 0 water and sewage businesses.
I see leisuredromes.
02:55:22:11 02:55:25:10 I see huge edge-of-town crematoriums
02:55:25:12 02:55:29:15 and DayGlo Bermuda shorts
flecked with urine and vomit.
02:55:30:10 02:55:33:03 I see thousands of miles of motorway
02:55:33:05 02:55:37:14 conveniently stuffed full
of hundreds of thousands of cars,
02:55:37:17 02:55:42:12 whose seats shall be stained
with children and urine and vomit.
02:55:43:07 02:55:46:24 (IN CHOIRBOY STYLE) # Urine and vomit #
02:55:48:08 02:55:50:09 And the interiors of these cars...
02:55:50:19 02:55:56:03 the interiors of these cars
shall be hot and sweaty and bad-tempered,
02:55:56:05 02:56:00:08 for the queue
to the family-entertainment leisure hychrodrome
02:56:00:10 02:56:03:01 shall be thousands of miles long.
02:56:03:03 02:56:07:04 And I see hundreds of shiny magazines
out of which will fall
02:56:07:10 02:56:10:16 dozens of smaller shiny magazines,
02:56:11:07 02:56:14:08 advertising personal attack alarms
02:56:14:11 02:56:17:24 and handy freshen-up wipe and absorbent pads.
02:56:18:02 02:56:20:16 And the faces of the people who shall be
peopling this new Britain
02:56:20:18 02:56:23:09 shall be flushed and they shall be shiny
and they shall be pink,
02:56:23:11 02:56:26:16 because they know that they are forging
a new Britain.
02:56:26:22 02:56:29:02 A Britain of family heritage,
02:56:29:10 02:56:31:24 and a Britain of amusement and amenity fun.
02:56:32:20 02:56:36:19 As yet, it is only a vision.
02:56:37:02 02:56:39:24 A vision of family heritage urine
02:56:40:24 02:56:42:19 and fun amenity vomit.
02:56:44:10 02:56:49:17 But soon, soon with luck,
sincerity and steadfast voting,
02:56:49:19 02:56:52:14 it may become a reality.
02:57:46:02 02:57:51:01 Good evening and welcome to
Realising I've Given The Wrong Directions To.
02:57:52:13 02:57:58:24 Tonight, I shall be realising I've given
the wrong directions to Rabbi Michael Leibovitz.
02:57:59:01 02:58:00:17 Good eve...
02:58:02:06 02:58:03:20 Oh, damn.
02:58:05:24 02:58:07:02 Good night.